Shit My Boyfriend Says In His Sleep

Oct 14

desolationoftheaftermath said: Are your post legitimate things your boyfriend says or are they just made up humor? I'm assuming the first but curious to know the truth for sure.

Everything posted is an actual conversation I had with him while he was asleep. I really can’t make this stuff up.


Mar 21

Out of Context Awake Boyfriend

Awake Boyfriend: “Jesus! That guy’s face looks like a bad tattoo…OF HIS FACE!!”


Feb 26

Out of Context Awake Boyfriend

"Maybe we could get Hitler to train the dog."


Feb 25

Bye Now…Dick.

Me: (getting into bed with what I thought was an Awake Boyfriend) “Ich liebe dich.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Awww…you’re a dick, too.”
Me: “Okay…”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “I’ll see you later!”
Me: “Bye?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Auf Wiedersehen!”
Me: “Tschüß.”

Note: the Boyfriend (Sleeping or Awake) has never spoken a word of German back to me before.


Dec 6

Knock Knock

Me: *coughs*
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Come in!”
Me: “No, babe. It was just me coughing.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Could you get the door while you’re up?”
Me: “There’s no one at the door. It was me.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Why were you outside?”
Me: “I wasn’t. I jus- *coughs*”
Sleeping Boyfriend: (to the dog) “Quit barking! It’s just the door!”
Me: “I’ll get it…”


Oct 11

The Worst Legal Advisor Ever!

Sleeping Boyfriend: “Sign right there. Just…right…no, there. On the line. Sign it.”
Me: “What am I signing?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Juuuuuuuuuust…don’t worry about it. Sign it.”
Me: “I don’t know about this. Should I read it before signing?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “As your legal advisor, uh…no. I already read it for you! Sign.”
Me: “So, what’s it say?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: *sigh* “It just says all the regular legal stuff. I don’t have time for…ugh! Sign here, please!”
Me: “Well, okay…there.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “HA! Now I own all of your teeth! Hahaha!”
Me: “WTF!?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Oh sorry. I need you to date it right here.”
Me: “Um, no.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Damn.”


Oct 9

New Isn’t Always Improved

Sleeping Boyfriend: *making some of the worst sounds I’ve ever heard*
Me: *nudges him* “Babe, please roll over; you’re making a sound that’s somewhere between dubstep and a congested elephant.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “I know. I’m trying something new.”


Sep 23

Mad Skills

Sleeping Boyfriend: “Awwww yeah! HAHAHAHAHAA!! I won!”
Me: “What’d you win?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Drawing! I won at drawing.”
Me: “You won at drawing?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Yep! We were graded on accuracy, and I drew things more accurately than anyone else. Ever!”
Me: “Well done.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “I even drew the things that don’t exist the most accurately!” 
Me: “That is impressive.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “I can’t help it; I have skills.” *immediately begins snoring*


Sep 22

Canada Can’t Throw?

Sleeping Boyfriend: “Hey, Canada! You lost something.”
Me: “What?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “You lost something! Canada!”
Me: “I lost Canada?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “No, you ARE Canada. You can’t even throw!”
Me: “…What?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Here, pretend like you’re throwing something.”
Me: “Like this?” *makes throwing motion*
Sleeping Boyfriend: “You suck at this.” *throws a pillow at my face* “Canada!”
Me: “What the hell!”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “We’ll practice more later…”
Me: “I look forward to it.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: *snores*


Sep 4

…In My Mind!

Sleeping Boyfriend: “There’s always this!”
Me: “Always what?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “This!” *picks up his cell phone and starts going through the apps* “If I can find it.”
Me: “What is it?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “It was here. Maybe it’s not on this phone.”
Me: “What was it?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “I wanted to show you the level on the Batman game.”
Me: “There’s a Batman game?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Ummm… In my mind, apparently! But I blame my phone.”


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