Shit My Boyfriend Says In His Sleep

After Celebrating Our 10-Year Anniversary with Friends

Drunk Boyfriend: “Can you tie my pants?”
Me: “You’re too drunk to tie your own pants?”
Drunk Boyfriend: “Yeah. My hands can’t do things.”
Me: “Okay. Come here. *ties drawstring* Is this what it’s going to be like now that we’re past the 10-year mark?”
Drunk Boyfriend: *giggles* “Can you help me zip my jacket, too?”
Me: “I’m suddenly dating a child.”
Drunk Boyfriend: “Suddenly?” *giggles and slaps at my hands while I try to zip his jacket*
Me: “Stop that! You’re an adult!”
Drunk Boyfriend: *laughs until he nearly falls down*

Cheater!

Sleeping Boyfriend: “Let me see your last cards.”
Me: “No way! They’re my cards, you cheater!”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “I have to make sure none of them are illegal.”
Me: “What makes a card illegal?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “If any of the creatures are endangered or poached, or if the artifacts are stolen.”
Me: “None of mine are.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “You should let me see your hand anyway. Just to make sure. Yeah…just to make absolutely sure. Heh heh heh.”
Me: “Yeah, that doesn’t sound shifty at all…”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Heh. Heh. Heh. *snores*”

The Dog is Very Particular Now

Sleeping Boyfriend: *Mumbles*
Me: “You okay?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Logic’s strange here. Logic’s strange here. Logic’s strange here.”
Me: “What’s going on?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “You have to say everything three times. You have to say everything three times. You have to say everything three times. It’s really annoying, but it’s the rule. It’s really annoying, but it’s the rule. It’s really annoying, but it’s the rule.”
Me: “Where are you?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Sleeping next to the dog. Sleeping next to the dog. Sleeping next to the dog.”
Me: “Huh. He’s not usually that picky.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Rules have changed. Rules have changed. *pause* Oh crap. *snores*”

thepeacefullproject asked: I hope you keep these up, they're great. It makes me want to draw a cartoon or make some of these into tshirts or something LOL

Awake Boyfriend thinks “Fortuitous Bacon” would make the best t-shirt. 

Either way, I’ll keep posting these last long as he keeps making nonsense in his sleep. 

A History Lesson

As of the beginning of 2012, Boyfriend and I have been together for over 9 years.

When he first talked in his sleep around me, I’d let it go, but as time went on I decided to have a little fun with it. It’s only right.

I’ve logged our “conversations” since the beginning - mostly so he can read them - and anytime anyone else reads them, they tell me I should put them in a book or blog them. So here you go Tumblr. Have at ‘em.

I Don’t Think He Understands Pancakes

Sleeping Boyfriend: “It’s too late for pancakes.”
Me: “It’s only 11pm.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “11pm is way too late for pancakes. Are you kidding me?!”
Me: “No, sir. I never kid about breakfast food - especially pancakes.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Or waffles.”
Me: “I wouldn’t dare kid about waffles.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “I really hope not. It’s important. But it’s still too late.”
Me: “Even for silver dollar pancakes?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Not. Even. Funny.”

Yikes.

Turtles Are Serious Business

Sleeping Boyfriend: “Turtle turtle turtle. Here, boy.”
Me: “Did you lose your turtle?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Who wants to know?!”
Me: “Just me.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Can you prove that?”
Me: “Yeah, here’s my ID.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “That’s my turtle!”
Me: “My mistake…”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “You stay away from us!”
Me: “I’m sorry, I-“
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Go tell it to someone who cares, right, turtle?”
Me: “I-“
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Shh!”

Forever’s Just in the Next Room

Sleeping Boyfriend: “But I want to be able to see through things.”
Me: “Like what?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “See through walls.”
Me: “What’s on the other side?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Forever!”

Chain of Fools

Sleeping Boyfriend: “I heard that didn’t go well.”
Me: “What didn’t?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “The chain of command.”
Me: “Chain of command?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Yeah, how people are in charge of…other…people. In chains.”
Me: “It didn’t go well?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “No. I heard it went pretty badly.”
Me: “Where’d you hear that?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “I’m pretty sure it was all on CNN.”
Me: “Yeah, they’re usually pretty up to the minute on chain of command things.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Yeah. Well. Bye.”
Me: “See ya.” 

Sometimes Awake Boyfriend’s Not Very Different From Sleeping Boyfriend

Awake Boyfriend: “Guess what kind of meat I tried the other day.”
Me: “I don’t know. What?”
Awake Boyfriend: “GUESS!”
Me: “Kangaroo? Porcupine? Shark? Iguana?”
Awake Boyfriend: “No but close!”
Me: “Which was closest?”
Awake Boyfriend: “The shark.”
Me: “Dolphin?”
Awake Boyfriend: “Ha. No.”
Me: ”I have no idea, just tell me.”
Awake Boyfriend: “BEAR!”
Me: “How is shark close to bear??”
Awake Boyfriend: “Bear-shark!”
Me: “WTF is ‘bear-shark’?”
Awake Boyfriend: “OMG BEAR-SHARK!! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT BEAR-SHARK IS!? GOOGLE IT!”
Me: *googles it* *regrets it*

The moral of the story is - don’t google “Bear-shark”.

Also, in the midst of that, I totally forgot to ask why or how he tried bear.