Shit My Boyfriend Says In His Sleep

Mar 21

Out of Context Awake Boyfriend

Awake Boyfriend: “Jesus! That guy’s face looks like a bad tattoo…OF HIS FACE!!”


Feb 26

Out of Context Awake Boyfriend

"Maybe we could get Hitler to train the dog."


Feb 25

Bye Now…Dick.

Me: (getting into bed with what I thought was an Awake Boyfriend) “Ich liebe dich.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Awww…you’re a dick, too.”
Me: “Okay…”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “I’ll see you later!”
Me: “Bye?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Auf Wiedersehen!”
Me: “Tschüß.”

Note: the Boyfriend (Sleeping or Awake) has never spoken a word of German back to me before.


Dec 6

Knock Knock

Me: *coughs*
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Come in!”
Me: “No, babe. It was just me coughing.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Could you get the door while you’re up?”
Me: “There’s no one at the door. It was me.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Why were you outside?”
Me: “I wasn’t. I jus- *coughs*”
Sleeping Boyfriend: (to the dog) “Quit barking! It’s just the door!”
Me: “I’ll get it…”


Oct 11

The Worst Legal Advisor Ever!

Sleeping Boyfriend: “Sign right there. Just…right…no, there. On the line. Sign it.”
Me: “What am I signing?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Juuuuuuuuuust…don’t worry about it. Sign it.”
Me: “I don’t know about this. Should I read it before signing?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “As your legal advisor, uh…no. I already read it for you! Sign.”
Me: “So, what’s it say?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: *sigh* “It just says all the regular legal stuff. I don’t have time for…ugh! Sign here, please!”
Me: “Well, okay…there.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “HA! Now I own all of your teeth! Hahaha!”
Me: “WTF!?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Oh sorry. I need you to date it right here.”
Me: “Um, no.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Damn.”


Oct 9

New Isn’t Always Improved

Sleeping Boyfriend: *making some of the worst sounds I’ve ever heard*
Me: *nudges him* “Babe, please roll over; you’re making a sound that’s somewhere between dubstep and a congested elephant.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “I know. I’m trying something new.”


Sep 23

Mad Skills

Sleeping Boyfriend: “Awwww yeah! HAHAHAHAHAA!! I won!”
Me: “What’d you win?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Drawing! I won at drawing.”
Me: “You won at drawing?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Yep! We were graded on accuracy, and I drew things more accurately than anyone else. Ever!”
Me: “Well done.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “I even drew the things that don’t exist the most accurately!” 
Me: “That is impressive.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “I can’t help it; I have skills.” *immediately begins snoring*


Sep 22

Canada Can’t Throw?

Sleeping Boyfriend: “Hey, Canada! You lost something.”
Me: “What?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “You lost something! Canada!”
Me: “I lost Canada?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “No, you ARE Canada. You can’t even throw!”
Me: “…What?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Here, pretend like you’re throwing something.”
Me: “Like this?” *makes throwing motion*
Sleeping Boyfriend: “You suck at this.” *throws a pillow at my face* “Canada!”
Me: “What the hell!”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “We’ll practice more later…”
Me: “I look forward to it.”
Sleeping Boyfriend: *snores*


Sep 4

…In My Mind!

Sleeping Boyfriend: “There’s always this!”
Me: “Always what?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “This!” *picks up his cell phone and starts going through the apps* “If I can find it.”
Me: “What is it?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “It was here. Maybe it’s not on this phone.”
Me: “What was it?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “I wanted to show you the level on the Batman game.”
Me: “There’s a Batman game?”
Sleeping Boyfriend: “Ummm… In my mind, apparently! But I blame my phone.”


Aug 18

Soda Pop by the Dashboard Light

Me: *Watching Meat Loaf’s “I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)” on an old episode of Pop-Up Video* “But what is ‘that’? What won’t he do?”
Awake Boyfriend: *Without looking up from his book* “He won’t share his Dr. Pepper.”
Me: “What a brilliant song. It’s about love, devotion, and a man’s faithfulness to his soft drink of choice.”
Awake Boyfriend: *Looks up at me sincerely* “I'd share my Dr. Pepper with you anytime.”
Me: “That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

That, ladies and gentlemen, is romance.


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